In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people we need support. Once you have started to see the different functions of emotion, said Kross: “It becomes much easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in the lives of our children.”
Kross also wants children to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you cannot control and parts you can”. For example, we cannot control the automatic emotional response that we feel when we hear a surprising noise. But once this emotion is activated, we can “move it – this is where we have an agency”.
Kross told me that sometimes he would choose not To move a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel anxiety – but he does not want to push this feeling because it can help him concentrate. “Emotion pushes me to prepare myself. You don’t necessarily want to deactivate this, but you want to refuse its amplitude.
Intensity and duration of emotions
So when do we use emotional regulation tools or do we intervene to help children use them?
“It is when emotion becomes too large or lasts too long,” said Kross. “These are the two revealing signs that your emotions may require a certain regulation.” It is also a useful barometer for parents: we do not want to protect children from difficult emotions, but we want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms.
Changing emotions is not to delete or deny our feelings, but rather to know that we can take measures to “change the trajectory” when our feelings interfere with our objectives or our well-being, according to Kross.
When it comes to managing our emotional life, “there are no unique solutions,” explains Kross. People often press it to name the first two or three regulatory strategies, but his research has revealed that there is a huge variability in which the tools benefit people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from the first day were often different from the tools they benefited on the second day or the fifth day. »Having and experimenting with a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead an emotionally healthy life.
Use your senses to navigate
Kross’s book describes several strategies based on research for change, one of which attracts too little attention: our sensory system. Humans use their five senses to quickly assess and understand their environment. “It’s as primitive as you get,” Kross said. “We must know whether to approach or avoid things.” Because of their role to ensure security, our senses are intimately linked to the emotional networks of the brain. So when we feel something rotten, it can almost instantly cause a disgust response. When we hear a beautiful song of the birds or see a sunset, we can quickly feel adorable or amaze. “Even touch,” said Kross. “Like warm and blurred things as opposed to cold and rough. All these sensations push your emotions really, very quickly. Knowing what to approach and what to avoid is fundamental for us to succeed in this world. »»
This close and unconscious link between the senses and emotions means that we can consciously use our senses to support our emotional well-being. “Remember to fill your house with good smells and put good music in the background?” These are efforts without effort that we can do to move emotions and it is an unexploited resource. »»
As a parent of adolescents, Kross embraces the role of DJ. If he needs to move a mood, he could put Taylor Swift in the car, or even jazz more singing or dancing, and creating something “just ridiculous and amplifies emotional experience”. Preschool teachers understand the power of a good “strategy song”, such as cleaning song, to transform a task of task in a fun moment.
When children experience intense emotion, some of the proven strategies – such as deep breathing or journalization – may feel out of reach of children. These techniques require the following efforts or steps. Working with the sensory system, on the other hand, can be an initial means of effortlessly composing emotion. In this way, our senses offer “accessory tools to manage emotions”.
Parents can use the sensory network to subtly support children’s emotions in a way that “completely steals under the radar,” said Kross. Remember to turn on a favorite scented candle while children do their homework, rubbing their backs while you sit together on the sofa, by greasing the lights during the bath or entering a soft plush animal in their arms as they fall asleep. Again, there is no one size. When they are emotionally activated, some children are looking for a physically pressure – such as a bear hug or weighted blanket – while others can heal contact and find the feeling of bouncing on a mini -tramp or swinging more soothing.
Parents can engage their children and adolescents in reflection on sensory tools. What songs could happen on a reading list “I feel _____”? What physical sensations can stimulate their mood? What sites and tastes and odors find comforting or restful? And of course, going outside in the active nature, the five senses, which is a reason why nature is correlated with mental health.
Emotional regulation modeling
As parents, we are sometimes so concentrated on the needs of our children that we sometimes forget that “directing others starts by directing you effectively,” said Kross. “Focusing on how to manage your own emotions is, I would say, an important first step to help your children manage their emotions.” This is true for two reasons. First, children are observation learners. “So, if we keep our emotions in the right proportions in different circumstances, they learn implicitly:” Oh, that’s how you do well “, as opposed to people flying the handle in very large ways that are not productive,” said Kross.
