The mentor mindset shatters the idea that influential adults must be either tough or gentle. “Neither approach is good,” Yeager told me. What teenagers need is correction with encouragement. “Keep standards high and provide more support,” he said. Honest feedback works when accompanied by moral support and clarity on how to improve.
Care and expectations
To begin, coaches must make clear and frequent statements about their high expectations and sincere care for their players, especially given the power imbalance between them. Adolescents already suffer from the gap between their need for esteem and their relative helplessness at school. If the coach is not transparent about his or her concern for the young person, even thoughtful criticism can be misinterpreted. The best coaches are “hyper-explicit” when caring for the kids on the team, Yeager said, so teens understand that coaches’ corrections are driven by genuine concern rather than a need for control. Adults who work with young people may not realize how much the power imbalance between them weighs on adolescents.
Effective mentor coaches also focus strictly on the process rather than the results. When coaches celebrate victories and criticize mistakes, they suggest that what matters most is the result and not the growth of the players. It’s more motivating to help athletes develop what they can control – their form, their mechanics, their attitude, their effort – and let the result take care of itself. A longtime coach in several sports, Yeager also encourages accumulating data on players and sharing it with them to inspire effort. Tangible progress in the weight room, for example, can motivate athletes to improve.
Real questions for real answers
Rather than telling players what they did wrong, a wise coach also asks questions to spark change. But not just any old questions: ask a detached 10th next-level basketball player, why his head isn’t in the game won’t provoke thought or inspire improvement. What mentors do is ask authentic questions that are grounded in a desire to know what the player is thinking and that reveal an understanding of the young person’s perspective. Such a question might sound like this: “I appreciate that you have a lot of distractions this week with midterms. I also know that you care about improving your game. Can you help me understand what you think is slowing you down on the court? »
Thoughtful questions build relationships, foster collaboration, and drive improvement.
Research has found that children in the classroom are motivated to persevere through (what most would consider) boring exercises when they can connect those activities to a larger goal: children who have been asked to think about the problems that mattered, then reminded that a solid education and hard work would equip them to address these concerns and be better able to focus on the unglamorous side of learning. The same logic applies to sports. Mentor coaches who find a way to connect drills, stretches, and other simple activities as a necessary stepping stone toward players’ goal beyond simple self-interest, such as supporting the team, will inspire greater focus and effort .
Yeager explains how Chip Engelland, shooting coach to several great NBA players, combined high standards with strong support to improve athletes’ games. When analyzing a player’s faulty shot, Engelland was blunt about what needed to change while expressing confidence in the player’s ability to do so. He organized rigorous training sessions focused on the precise skills the player needed to master. When the young man made a mistake, Engelland asked questions – starting with “What does it feel like?” » – to encourage the player to discover for themselves how to adapt. Engelland maintained his exacting standards and offered constant support despite frustrations and setbacks, while promoting player autonomy. “‘As a coach, I’m constantly trying to get young players to accept feedback without feeling threatened,'” he told Yeager, adding that “‘it’s basically a question of balance between challenge and safety.'”
Mentors like Engelland assume that young people are capable and good-natured. Even though their behavior may seem stupid or illogical to an adult, their position makes sense to them.
It’s best to take “the most generous interpretation” of a teenager’s behavior, as parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy advises.
