As the scientist in him thought about this, he also looked within. “I noticed them in myself. Oh my God, I have them too,” he recalls.
The principle of the IFS model is that our minds are not one-dimensional. “We are all multiple,” Schwartz says. We all have multiple inner perspectives – for example, people often identify an inner critic, worrier, or fighter. And some parts tend to dominate our lives, while others are more hidden. IFS teaches a process for encompassing all of your parts, balancing them, and finding a sense of wholeness.
Coin work has exploded in popularity recently, with a growing number of books, apps and social media accounts promoting the system. There are now more than 6,000 IFS certified therapists and practitioners.
IFS is used by therapists working on a range of issues, from couples therapy to dealing with the death of a loved one or other trauma.
Some therapists say the popularity has outpaced the evidence and are calling for more research. There are several small studies showing that IFS can benefit people with specific issues, including symptoms of PTSD and stress; pain, discomfort and depression related to rheumatoid arthritis; and depression. And other studies are underway.
For Seth Kopald, piecework was key to taming his anxiety, as he began to recognize that it stemmed from his childhood fear of feeling unloved.
With IFS, he could now recognize the wounded child within him and begin to let go of the pain and shame.
“There’s a big difference between ‘I am anxiety and fear,’ and ‘I am here with fear, I am here with anxiety,'” he says. And in this realization, his natural state of “confidence, courage and compassion” resurfaced. “It’s almost like I now have a new operating system,” Kopald says.
So if you’re dealing with stress – related to relationships, tragedy, or any other life challenge – you may want to learn more about parts work. Here are the highlights of how the IFS process works.
1. Calm your mind and look within
One way to start knowing your roles is to listen.
Sit quietly, as if you are about to meditate, and notice any bodily sensations that arise. Do you feel neck pain, tight chest, stomach aches? Do you see scenes or images from the past? What appears first are the parts that may need your attention. Focus on a feeling or image – connect and ask her what she wants you to know.
When Seth Kopald tried this, he felt a nervousness throughout his body and he saw images in his mind from old movies – scenes of bad divorces, couples fighting over children. He was coming into contact with a more disturbing part that dominated his life at that time.
2. Start a dialogue with your pieces
In IFS, the rule is that none of our parts are bad. Each of them can provide us with useful information.
Kopald began to realize that his worry and anxiety were what IFS calls “protective” elements, helping us get through difficult situations. “They were trying to get me to do something, to find a solution to help my children,” he said.
But these things caused him so much anxiety that he was stuck.
The worried man told him to “do something”. Then a reviewer wondered what he had done to contribute to this bad situation. And another part was stepping in to try to numb him from the pain.
These multiple elements were teaming up, a pattern that can happen to many of us in times of crisis. It’s like loud instruments playing out of tune, Kopald explains, citing a metaphor frequently used in IFS.
If you feel overwhelmed by a cacophony, try starting a dialogue with your parts: What do you want me to know? What do you want to show me?
And the more you learn to work with your parts, the more you can begin to become the leader, or conductor, says Kopald, elevating each instrument in harmony..
3. Take up space
IFS teaches you to “separate” yourself from the noise of these competing parts. Kopald remembers the moment he began to step back from his anxiety about his children, seeing it as one part.
“When I truly understood that the anxiety I felt was just an aspect of me, but not all about me, I felt this calm come over me,” he says.
It was the beginning of a breakthrough for him.
If you want to try this, ask your noisy part, “Can you give me some space so we can talk?” For Kopald, instead of feeling like a scared, anxious child, he got to the place where he felt like he was sitting with that child, helping to comfort him.
4. Get in touch with childhood pain
IFS teaches that we all have exile parts that hold hurtful memories, many of which date back to childhood. Since it is easier to bury negative feelings than to deal with them, these exiles – as their name suggests – can remain locked deep within themselves.
IFS founder Dick Schwartz says the elements of exile can be triggered in times of difficulty. But he says, “these are often our most sensitive and loving parts.”
As a child, Schwartz struggled in school, which frustrated his father, a prominent physician and researcher. “So he accumulated a lot of shame,” Schwartz says. He remembered his father telling him things like, “Dicky, you’re no good,” and the hurt buried deep within him.
He allowed himself to relive these childhood experiences. “I could actually walk into that scene and be with” the injured boy, Schwartz says. In doing so, he could feel the distrust, fear and shame disappear, what IFS calls “a lightening of the burden.”
For Schwartz, it opened the door to a playful inner child. “That was missing in my life before I offloaded that part,” he says.
This part can be tricky to do alone. Exiles will sometimes take you back to painful scenes, and show you traumatic memories. Kopald says that if you feel the pain of exile, you can say, “I know you’re here, I’m not pushing you away.” » You can ask him to share his story, and if it gets too intense, you may want to contact an IFS therapist.
5. Turn around
Kopald says his life is much better now. He maintains a loving relationship with his children and has remarried. Now a certified IFS practitioner, he has written a book on IFS, Autonomous: living a connected life with yourself and others. But he still has times when life is very stressful or imposes too many things on him. When this happens, he uses a technique called a U-turn. The U-turn is an exercise in gaining perspective.
If you’re engaging in negative self-talk – or feel like everything is falling apart, take a moment to notice what’s going on inside, look within. Kopald says he’ll ask himself, “Wait a minute, who’s taking care of me right now?”
In other words, you observe which part of yourself triggers your anxiety, fear, or negativity. And then you can tell him, “Hey, I got it. Can you just trust me to be here? Kopald said.
6. Discover the inner light
According to the IFS, when you are no longer dominated by the cacophony of parts, your true self can then emerge.
In IFS, Self is the parent or leader of your system, providing love and protection to all your parts.
Seth says you can think of the Self as the sun, which is often covered by the clouds, that is, your parts. Remember that the sun is always at its maximum, even on cloudy days. Kopald says that as the clouds part, we can “remove the elements that block our light.”
For Kopald, it made a big difference. “I tend to live more in the light of myself,” he says. And he feels more clarity, compassion, creativity and calm.
